everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
