I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize