I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
