Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
