I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
