No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
