We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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