wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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