We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
