so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
