Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
