i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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