I just cut my nipple shaving
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
