who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
