My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
