someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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