Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
