Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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