so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
