how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize