I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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