We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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