I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize