I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
