i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
