Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
