So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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