I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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