I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
