Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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