i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if only i could text you this smell
Four minutes until I can fart!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
