Your mouth is God's brothel.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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