i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Randomize
