One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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