I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
