Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
