this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
