he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
