How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
