Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How naked do you want me to be?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
