I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
