Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
