So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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