i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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