margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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