i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
