you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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