if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
