PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize