it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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