Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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