my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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