you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
