Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
