Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
