please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
