brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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