We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
