This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
