I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
