I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
