I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
