I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
