Having a random hookup so left but love u
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
