1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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