Your dad touched me again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
