I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
