What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
