I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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