you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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