Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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