I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
