1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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