We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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