have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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